How I got to where I am now (ex JW testimony) Part 2
- Vicky Johnson
- Oct 16, 2021
- 9 min read
(note: words and expressions in ' ' marks are common phrases used by Jehovah's witnesses and has been described as loaded language by Robert Lifton and Steven Hassan, experts on cults)
Welcome to part two of my testimony. I didn't realise I had so much to write on this subject! As I had previously mentioned in Part 1, I was not a part of the clique and my face didn't fit what the congregation thought was their brand look.
Also unlike others in the congregation both of my children have autism.
Because of the bright lights, crowd (My congregation had at least 100 people present week by week) and loud noises my children couldn't cope with sensory overload. This became an issue because I would have to take the children and sit in the back room so I could still hear what was going on but was unable to partake in conversations or questions and answers. I was in effect isolated from the rest of the congregation.
You were told that if you weren't at the meetings and paid attention then you wouldn't be saved. They even preach this to the children in the congregation by means of a cartoon called 'becoming Jehovah's friend', staring siblings Caleb and Sophia. Here is a link to one of the videos to show what sort of things they teach:
They say that they preach salvation by faith- but follow it up with the scripture James 2: 17:
(NIV)
17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
In the NWT (new world translation used by the Jehovah's witnesses) bible it says "faith without works is dead". They used this scripture to say that our salvation is conditional. We only gain salvation if we do the work that accompanies it. In their eyes "works" were meeting attendance, bible reading, prayer, going on the ministry etc.
The whole cult is based on fear, obligation and guilt.
I would often worry because the children were unable to cope with the meetings and when they did attend they made noise (Alice was a new born, of course she was going to make noise!). Children were expected to sit quietly and listen to the talks and answer questions. Every week I was unable to go with the children I would get messages on my phone from JWs making me feel guilty for not being able to get to the meetings. They were meant to come before your family, your friends, your own health. I remember one woman breaking down because she was in hospital and as a result couldn't get to the meetings.
There was massive pressure to go out on the ministry. You had to record how much time you spent out on the ministry (door knocking or standing at a cart) and how many publications you gave out or how many videos you showed people. It was more of a burden than something to enjoy.
When I was pregnant with Alice I had SPD, and as a result I was on crutches from 12 weeks pregnant. I couldn't get out on the ministry. I was looked down on as a result.
When I had Alice, Jake was at school but I was expected to take Alice on the ministry with me. We had no car and a baby cannot be in a car without a car seat, which was too heavy to drag along with a buggy to the kingdom hall to meet for field service ministry. This meant that I couldn't get into someone else's car to get to the territory we were working in unless it was very local. No one offered to drive me to my return calls when I was poorly.
I felt down, useless and isolated. I had severe PND (post natal depression) after Alice was born and as JWs are instructed to do when they have a problem, I reached out to the elders.
The elders came to my house once only and told me that they didn't want me going to CBT or counselling because "they wouldn't understand my life as a JW. I am in the truth, they are in the world". The local PND group was also deemed to be 'worldy' and 'bad association'. They would use 1 cor 15:33 from the NWT bible which said "Bad associations spoil useful habits".
Who did that leave me to talk to? No one at all. The same happened with home schooling. I had to join a JW local home schooling network while I looked for a school that could cater to Jake's needs. Even the JW local home schooling network was a clique. The became like the facebook police and every post you uploaded was scrutinized in case it 'brought reproach on Jehovah's name'.
When I explored veganism briefly I was counselled for posting a picture of me in a vegan t shirt because apparently it was an act of worship. I actually got kicked out of the jw local home schooling network for posting a status on facebook mentioning that my sister and brother in law were in norway for their honeymoon and that my sister would be celebrating her birthday while they were there! I didn't wish her a happy birthday, but the fact that I had even mentioned the word was enough for them. The home ed group didn't even explain, just deemed me to be a 'bad associate'.
I was now isolated while home schooling so Jake got no socialisation with other children. I eventually found a school that could adequately support my son.
As the cracks in the organization became more apparent, I remember reading something in a watchtower magazine that made my blood run cold. The quote could have easily been spoken by Jim Jones from the peoples temple (the man who coerced over 900 men, women and children to commit suicide by drinking a fruit drink laced with poison often incorrectly labelled as kool aid).
This is the quote found in paragraph 17 of an article from the Watchtower study edition:
"At that time, the life-saving direction that we receive from Jehovah’s organization may not appear practical from a human standpoint. All of us must be ready to obey any instructions we may receive, whether these appear sound from a strategic or human standpoint or not"
This quote made me feel like the Jehovah's Witnesses were a cult not a loving religion.
You were not allowed to look at any information unless it was on their website. In effect they were telling their followers "get your information from our publications only if you have questions. We've done all the research so you don't have to".
The Jehovah's witnesses were starting to lose their grip on me.
The Awakening...
I started getting questions about the holy trinity. My friend Dani was an ex jw and went to my local slimming world class. When I started having doubts I started speaking to her. She was attending a church so I remember asking her "So how do you get around the trinity doctrine?". Until then this was the only thing keeping me in the witnesses because they do not believe in the trinity. They do not believe that Jesus is God.
She explained the trinity like a particle, made of different part with different functions ie the nucleus etc but they all make up a particle. They she used the example of an egg, the shell, egg white and egg yolk, all different parts, all different functions and yet all part of the same egg. I was astounded!
Enter St Chads Church, my mam's church. The old Vicar Meg was more than happy to talk to me about my questions (and i gave her some pretty deep questions!). She lent me a book to read on the holy trinity called "the divine dance" and it made so much sense!
I thought to myself "I'm never going to fit in here". I looked back at pictures of me from before I joined the JWs and pics of me in the JWs, I didn't recognise myself! I had re-dyed my hair back to its normal colour, wore skirts constantly to show headship to men, I was no longer my goth self, but I had been moulded subconsciously to what the organisation wanted me to be. I was wearing jewellery to cover up my tattoos and I looked like I had aged terribly.
the last picture I have of myself in the Jehovah's witnesses
So I wrote my letter of disassociation. In the Jehovah's witnesses you only get out one of three ways. You can fade which means that you still remain part of the organization and constantly have people messaging you as to why you aren't attending meetings, you can disassociate yourself by writing a letter and as a result you are shunned by the rest of the Jehovah's witnesses (even if they are your family, the cult comes first), or you can get disfellowshipped if you do something wrong and are unrepentant- something as simple as dating a non believer or smoking. As a result you are ignored and shunned by the entire organization.
My now ex husband Richard found the letter and got worried (he thought his gran had studied with me for nothing etc) so messaged a jw friend of mine. That evening I had 2 elders on my door step. I had been suffering with suicidal thoughts and had reached out to deaf ears in the past but one whiff of a disassociation and they turn up. I was ill with flu but was determined not to let them in my house. They were on my doorstep for an hour listening to them saying that it was my fault I didn't fit in, my depression could be cured by prayer, bible study, meeting attendance and going on the ministry. After an hour they lost patience and said "look, we don't care if you stay or go but just so you know that if you leave, you aren't just killing yourself but your husband and kids too- think about it". I agreed to think about it to get them off my doorstep and the next day my letter was in the post.
I continued to study the bible with a new set of eyes- the eyes of faith. I then came across colossians 1:19 in the KJV bible that opened my eyes. it says "For it pleased the Father that in him should all fulness dwell". I had never read that before in the NWT of the bible used by the witnesses so I dug out that translation. They had changed it to "Divine qualities" rather than "All fullness". It wasn't his qualities, it was god himself! I realised just how twisted the NWT of the bible was.
The shunning began 2 days after the letter had been received. It was awful at first. They would ignore me but say hi to my husband. All of my spiritual family and friends had turned their backs on me. It was like they could just switch their emotions off. What hurt the most was that I received a few messages full of emotional manipulation saying things like "Well when you decide to come back to Jehovah we will be waiting for you".
I had to rebuild friendships with old friends and make new friends because everything had been left behind in the organization.
The worst part of the shunning happened about a week late at Saltwell park. I was there with the children and Jake saw some of the witnesses giving out leaflets. He ran up before i got a chance to stop him (as far as he was concerned these were people he knew from the kingdom hall etc) and they blanked him... please read that bit again... they actually shunned a child! That is just sick! I was the one who had disassociated, not the children!
Meg Gilley helped me alot to deprogramm by putting up with me asking lots of questions. She was the vicar mentioned above from my mams church. Both her and Yvonne (vicar now in charge of st chads) have been amazing with the kids, and they helped me to organise an autism friendly and accessible christmas carol service for those with special needs 2 years in a row (last year was not done due to covid 19). It was lovely to see so many people at church who would otherwise have not been able to go to due to sensory issues etc.
I find that I can be myself now, and i'm enjoying myself while doing ministry, not feeling compelled to record every bit of service to someone in authority. God sees and that is the main thing. God does not want perfect "cookie cutter" christians, he wants everyone as they are right now. He came to save everyone, not just one particular cult. I am building a relationship with my heavenly father by talking to him, listening to him and reading the bible. I don't need a cult to tell me what to believe, I have my faith and the Holy Spirit for that!
Richard and I eventually got divorced but are still friends and coparent our children effectively. We both have new partners and we all get on so we have the perfect blended family.
If you are currently a Jehovah's witness I want to let you know that there is life after the watchtower. If you want more information on ex JWs and their work on trying to help people after they leave please check out the following youtubers:
Faith after deception
Lloyd Evans
Kim and Mikey
Jason Zelda
The worldly couple
Kevin McFree
The false apostate
Witnesses 4 christ
Ex JW Testimony
And check out www.jwfacts.com for some amazing information about the watchtower and how they try to manipulate people.
I'm eventually finished writing my story, I hope that it has helped to give you a little bit of information about me and my reasons for writing this blog.
Our blended family working together. My partner Spike is on the left of the picture.
Never be ashamed of who you are. I'm a Christian. I'm a Goth. God loves me for me. Much happier now I can be myself in God's presence and not adhering to a cult's rules :-)
Comments